Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
