I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
