We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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