did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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