I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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