I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
