He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
