I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
