I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
