nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
