I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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