my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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