I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
