It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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