I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
