I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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