i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
