just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
