I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
