my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
