mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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