I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
