Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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