Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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