I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
