You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
