I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
