woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
