I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
