I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
