OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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