I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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