You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
