just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
