he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
