Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
