Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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