I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My vagina is officially offended.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
