Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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