just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
