I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
