I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
