you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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