If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
