the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
