I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
