Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
that's an acceptable place to lick
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
