I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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