everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
