so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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